1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage. And this week, I became one of them.
When you get pregnant the first time you remember everything, all the symptoms you had. How sometimes maybe even for a moment, before you took that test, you knew. I had that feeling, despite the 2 tests I had taken, I just knew. I was excited, I had secretly been pinning so many baby things for months because I was longing to feel pregnant again. I loved being pregnant, I had the dream pregnancy with my son. No morning sickness, no crazy cravings, no irrational mood swings. I just loved taking naps! The thought of feeling that bond with my baby in my belly was something I couldn’t wait to have again.
When the bleeding had started I knew. I knew what was happening, but a part of me thought ‘well maybe I wasn’t really pregnant, maybe I really was just two weeks late…’. But this was different from my usual monthly, so I called my aunt who’s a nurse, I needed someone to tell me out loud that what I thought was happening, was really happening. I explained everything that was going on and she confirmed it. I was having a miscarriage.
I was numb. I couldn’t feel anything, it was like my emotions just shut off. I walked out and tried to think of how I was going to tell my husband. Instead of tiptoeing around the subject, I just blurted it out. The look on his face broke my heart, I knew he would be upset and that pained me to the core.
I’ve kept myself busy since then, I can’t let myself sit down and think about what I’ve lost. I know me, I’ll blame myself-I’ll think of all the things I had done that could of caused this. What if I hadn’t done that combat class at the gym? Maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up so late doing homework and studying. Why did my body fail me? The guilt will consume me. I’ll fall into a depression that I’m not sure I can talk myself out of. I have a 2-year-old and a husband that need me.
One day I’ll have to sit down and talk to someone about all that I’m feeling…but today is not that day.