1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage. And this week, I became one of them.
When you get pregnant the first time you remember everything, all the symptoms you had. How sometimes maybe even for a moment, before you took that test, you knew. I had that feeling, despite the 2 tests I had taken, I just knew. I was excited, I had secretly been pinning so many baby things for months because I was longing to feel pregnant again. I loved being pregnant, I had the dream pregnancy with my son. No morning sickness, no crazy cravings, no irrational mood swings. I just loved taking naps! The thought of feeling that bond with my baby in my belly was something I couldn’t wait to have again.
When the bleeding had started I knew. I knew what was happening, but a part of me thought ‘well maybe I wasn’t really pregnant, maybe I really was just two weeks late…’. But this was different from my usual monthly, so I called my aunt who’s a nurse, I needed someone to tell me out loud that what I thought was happening, was really happening. I explained everything that was going on and she confirmed it. I was having a miscarriage.
I was numb. I couldn’t feel anything, it was like my emotions just shut off. I walked out and tried to think of how I was going to tell my husband. Instead of tiptoeing around the subject, I just blurted it out. The look on his face broke my heart, I knew he would be upset and that pained me to the core.
I’ve kept myself busy since then, I can’t let myself sit down and think about what I’ve lost. I know me, I’ll blame myself-I’ll think of all the things I had done that could of caused this. What if I hadn’t done that combat class at the gym? Maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up so late doing homework and studying. Why did my body fail me? The guilt will consume me. I’ll fall into a depression that I’m not sure I can talk myself out of. I have a 2-year-old and a husband that need me.
One day I’ll have to sit down and talk to someone about all that I’m feeling…but today is not that day.
It’s about 10:30 and I’m exhausted. I have school in the morning, the semester just started and I’m already having to convince myself to go. That skipping class this early is frowned upon.
Gray’s managed to bust down his baby gate for about the fourth time since we put him to bed at 8:30. He comes wandering into our room, Frank’s already asleep. “Hi mommy” he says to me with a wide grin, as if being up at 10:30 at night is an everyday occurence for him. “Hi baby” I reply. As much as my tough inner mom voice is screaming at me to put him back into his bed with a stern talk of ‘you have to stay in bed, its night-night time’, I help him up into our bed and he snuggles down under the covers curled up next to me. As he’s laying there, all the worries of motherhood start to flood me.
My husband and I watched The Family Stone about a week ago, if you haven’t seen it you should! In the movie there’s a part where Sarah Jessica Parker says to the mother of the Stone family ‘You didn’t really wish for your son to be gay did you? The world is hard enough…’, the family sitting around the dining room table hearing her say this become irate. She’s not very good at explaining what she means. Every time I watched that scene pre-motherhood I never understood why she would say something like that, it was blunt, unwarranted, and as the family took it, cruel. Now, as a mother, I have to say I understand completely what she was trying to say. Why would someone wish their child to be gay? The world is hard enough. How do you protect your children from others that don’t understand who they really are? How can you try to explain the actions of a 12-year-old at school that’s making fun of them? And of course you have to be an adult about it even though the inner mama bear in you is screaming ‘Get in the van and beat that little shit!’.
I look down at him all nestled between Frank and I, and I wonder what obstacles he’s going to face. Will he experience bullying? Will he be the one to bully? How can I get him to be honest with me about these things, how can I make sure he tells me if he’s being bullied or if he’s picking on someone at school? How can I keep him from falling into the wrong crowd, how do I keep him from trying drugs? I want him to really know that if he goes to a party and decides to underage drink that I really will pick him up and I won’t be angry. I want to trust my kids and I want them to trust me. I want them to be able to count on me. I will always be their mother first, but I also want to be their best friend, their confidant, the person they just want to see at the end of a long day.
Being a mother is the best thing in the world, but it’s also the scariest. Everything that mattered before no longer matters once that blanket wrapped love bundle is handed to you. The worrying starts immediately. Sometimes it keeps me awake at night, I don’t want to be one of those parents that gets a call in the middle of the night that there’s been an accident and one of my kids was involved. I don’t want to plan a funeral except for my own. I have so many hopes and dreams for my (more in the future) kids, but my biggest hope is that they know how much I love them and just want to protect them from this harsh world.
Minnie is asleep on the chair, a slight snore coming from her direction tells me running in the snow was quite an exercise for her. Mr. Bee is eating his feelings as he usually does, which is probably why his belly is starting to touch the floor. Gray is at my feet on his couch playing with is LeapPad, he’s attempting to catch all the fish that have the corresponding letter the voice is asking for. He usually gets so excited to see all the fish that he touches all of them and sends the tablet into a fit of ‘Oops!’.
Since my sister has been in London, we’ve been video chatting…a lot. No surprise really, we’re very close. However, it never occurred to me how close my family really is until one of us left the country. One night, Mom, Dad, Beth and I decided to put Skype’s new group video-chat to the test. As we were all sitting there talking (more like grilling Beth on everything she’s seen and done), I felt myself start to smile. A warm feeling started to grow within me, why was I feeling this way? I looked at all the faces on the screen of my laptop…it was them. These three people that had been with me everyday of my life. My Mom is always my go-to, if I had a problem I couldn’t solve or was just having a hard day, she would lend an ear and give sound advice. And my dad, I’m daddy’s girl. Any and every problem in the world can be solved if I call my dad. Faucet broken? Dad knows what it is. Rough day at school? Dad knows what to say. Car making a weird noise? Put the phone next to the engine and let him listen. Gray being ornery? Well my dad thinks he’s perfect so there’s not a whole lot of ooh-rah for me since ‘he’s grandpa’s sweet sweet boy’. My parents have helped me lay a firm, sturdy foundation for my life and my family. They’re always there when I need them, but I was raised with the confidence to persevere through any obstacle and to never be afraid to try new things and follow my dreams.
My sister has been my best friend since I realized she wasn’t going anywhere after she came home from the hospital. We always played together, especially barbies and video games. We’d spend all weekend in the basement missing meals because we wanted to beat some new Tom Clancy game we’d gotten. We talk every single day. And I mean Every. Single. Day. Multiple times a day usually. We don’t even need to be talking the whole time. There’s comfort in just knowing the other person is on the phone going about their day, but the opportunity to talk with you is important. We’re so in tune to each other’s feelings we know immediately when the other answers the phone if there’s something wrong. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her.
I sometimes see these posts going around Facebook of some famous family people share pictures of, and they’ll say something like #goals or #oneday. I feel privleged and blessed that I have those goals every talks about. I have a family that I love and whom love me. My family will always be the thing I am most thankful to God for.
It’s been well over a year since I’ve been on here; and I’ve got to say, I’ve missed it!
Elena of Avalor is on the TV as I try to bribe my son into eating his dinner (a constant battle in this house). I’m honestly writing this post as an excuse to give myself a break from the mountain of laundry that is sitting in front of the washing machine.
One thing I would like to mention, and not so subtly, is that I will be joining my sister in LONDON in 2 weeks!! To say I’m ecstatic would be a severe understatement. I’ll be missing two days of school, but hey, it’s London. My parents and I just finished Skyping with my sister in a group video chat, and so far she’s struggling with jet lag. I’m secretly hoping I’ll fall asleep on the plane and with enough coffee and espresso, I’ll be right as rain!
On another London note, I’m obsessed with the Netflix show The Crown. Which has me writing down every place I want to visit that pops up on the screen, like Clarence House, Buckingham Palace (obviously), Westminster Abbey, etc. And it’s not so much that I want to see these places just to say ‘Oh, I’ve been there!’, it’s more about the history of the place. Since The Crown is a drama based series of Queen Elizabeth II and her family’s lives throughout her early years, I’m eager to see where everything began for her and her family.
It’s amazing to me that I’ll be in another country in 2 weeks, it’s only for 5 days but I’ll take it! I somehow feel in love with London already, I’m not sure if it’s the magic of seeing a different place only through photos and videos; or perhaps seeing how it’s portrayed on the silver screen. My sister has a love affair with New York City…could mine be London even though I’ve never been there? I guess I’ll get my answer on the 19th.
It’s been quite a while since I’ve written on here, and to be honest I’m not exactly sure why. With how late I’m up and how active my mind is I probably could have written about 30 different things.
They say insomnia is prevalent in pregnancy… What no one tells you is that it sticks with you after you’ve had the baby and your hormones have settled down. I’m very jealous of my husband; all men really. Well mostly the ones who can fall asleep anywhere. I can’t. It has to be dark, there has to be a fan blowing on me, and the room needs to be cold. Even if the rooms not cold I still need a blanket, which drives my husband up a wall. Especially when I procrastinate with putting the air conditioner in our room and it’s above 75. But even with all my essentials, I can’t sleep. I’m just laying here. Going through the day in my head or going through tomorrow. My head keeps saying go to bed you know your son is going to wake up early. But my body’s like nah, you good. So I browse Pinterest or facebook for about an hour… Tired yet? Eh, maybe we’ll look up something to make for dinner tomorrow in one of those fancy boards you pin to so much. It doesn’t help that I’m a light sleeper either. I can practically hear my cat eating in the kitchen when I’m trying to sleep.
I once had a man tell me to imagine a black dot, and that I should stare at it and I’ll fall asleep. It worked for him so why not give it a shot right? NO. I imagine a black dot…then I’m imagining it’s on a white board in a classroom. Then I start thinking of high school and remembering those four years of shenanigans. My mind just ventures from there.
Luckily we live in the day and age of sleep aids. I’m a strong believer of (responsibly) using medication if it can better improve your quality of life. So sleep aids here I come! Or I guess Walgreen’s where I’ll buy them…
And hey, they don’t call it beauty sleep for nothing!
♥ tired and wired
As I’m stumbling out of my bedroom rubbing the sleep from eyes I step on a block. Ugh. I bent down and picked it up moving across the kitchen to put it into the box of other toys.
Since my sons been born he’s received a lot of toys. Yeah you’re probably saying duh, of course! And since… Squeak. I stepped on another toy…oh wait, that’s the dogs. Anyway, my little cousin is around 4 now so Gray got all of his old toys. I can honestly say I hadn’t prepared myself for the amount of toys would be lying around the house. I mean my dog will grab his toys and run away with them like a thief with diamonds. Sure I prepared myself for all the poop and the clothes and the spit up, but those toys! Seriously where am I supposed to put this stuff!? It’s not just the little stuff like stuffed animals, blocks or cars. It’s the big stuff too! There a walker, another walker, an excersaucer, a bouncer, a rocking horse, a swing, and a stride and ride elephant. That’s a lot of stuff, especially since we don’t have a lot of room!
And although it may seem like I’m resentful, I’m not. I love seeing how happy my little man gets when he plays with every single toy. Even if his attention span does rival a goldfish.
♥ playful and cleaning
Being a military brat I’ve always been used to moving every 3 years or so. Besides ‘home’, New Jersey is the longest place we’d been which was 6 years. Mind you this was when I was in elementary school. Before that was Michigan, then came Maine, Wisconsin, and now Delaware. In between every move we would travel to Delaware to visit with my moms family, then it was on to whichever home was next. My mom always did her best to make the house feel like home. She’d spend hours arranging and rearranging things. Pictures were put up of family and friends on walls, end tables, and nightstands. Me and my sister just had to worry about our rooms, we were always more concerned with the beds cause usually we were exhausted from the trip. It got to the point where I had packed and unpacked my room so much that I could probably do it in my sleep. I had little knick knacks that subliminally claimed the room as my own, but for the most part it was my mom’s style. She loves the canopy bed and wash basin era, so that’s what we got. The tops of my dressers had a wash bowl and pitcher on one, then a vase of dried flowers on the other. I had a desk which mostly held all my stuff. Whatever pictures I had typically sat up there; although I can remember having only a picture of the Statue of Liberty for the longest time.
Well now that I’m all grown up with my own family and house, you’d think I’d be settling down pretty easily now. But truth be told, I feel restless. After about 3 1/2 years of being in Delaware, I started feeling anxious and like something was off. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Had I missed a bill? No. Was I supposed to work today? Nope. Did mom ask me to get something? No again. I had that feeling for a week or two then one night sitting in the living room my sister and I were casually talking and all of a sudden she says ‘isn’t it weird that we’ve been here for almost 4 years and we haven’t moved?’. That was it! As soon as she said it I had this ah-HA! moment, I just kind of giggled to myself because it just hadn’t occurred to me. We had been here almost 4 years, and that was it. Mom wasn’t going to sit down with Dad and fill out the DREAM SHEET. There would be no call from Dad telling us where we’re going and what day we would be moving. The moving phase was over.
My husband and I have talked about moving to various states. Although there’s a part of me that wants my kids to have what I didn’t, roots. Now when I look back, moving was pretty great. I got to meet so many different people and see even more amazing places. But at my aunts wedding yesterday, I couldn’t help but yearn for what she had; her best friend from childhood was her matron of honor. They had such a tight bond and a great comraderie that was mirrored with her other bridesmaid and even the groom with the groomsmen. I had always wanted a friend I could walk through life with. I love my husband but all you girls know what I’m talking about!
Roots. That’s what I want for my kids, especially for my daughters. I’ve always wanted the big house where everyone comes home for Christmas and it’s beautiful chaos. I want all my family gathered around a massive table for Thanksgiving Dinner.
But even after I’ve done it so many times, moving can still be scary. What if we don’t like where we end up? What if the schools are bad? What if the kids hate it! And I’ve never wanted to be very far from my family, and I mean my whole family. I already said my moms side lives in Delaware, well my dads side is in Michigan… Yea quite a difference. I guess this is a topic that will be continued!
♥ staying or going